There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.

– C.S. Lewis

2018 was difficult. It was the most difficult year that we had faced together. Prior to that, 2017 brought exciting things for us. For example, we had our first REAL family vacation. Just before J turned 2, we went for an entire week to Bali. 7 days of relaxing, playing, walking, and GOOD food. Did I mention I was also pregnant with Baby #2? Yes, 2017 also brought us our little girl, MJ, who completed our sweet family.

Circumstances brought us back to Canada where MJ would be born. And it was pretty exciting because it was J’s first Canadian Christmas, his first experience of playing in the snow, his first building of memories of Canadian winter. And, who are we kidding, it’s always great being around family for the Christmas season and welcoming a new Baby. 2017 ended well but we couldn’t deny that Christmas/Baby #2 simply masked some of the issues we were dealing with. And unknowingly, we shelved our issues until we were back in SE Asia. That is when it just started to go awry again.

Days turned into weeks which turned into months and we were struggling. I was struggling. Disclaimer: I’ve never been diagnosed with any sort of mental illness but you know in your deepest spirit when you are mentally spent. There is some sort of self-realization when you are no longer the NORMAL you. Your thoughts are dark, your moods are chaotic, life seems hopeless. I felt I had nearly lost all hope. It was that sort of low.

Through many tears, a lot of talking (let’s be real, more yelling and crying than talking), and facing the reality of our situation, we carried our problems with us back to Canada where we had a conference/retreat/training back-to-back. It was then that we had to be real about our truth, we had to confess our struggle, we had to admit our weaknesses, and I had to lay bare my emptiness. But that is when something happened….

Hope.

For the first time in about a year I felt hopeful again. It wasn’t just biding time, floating from one good moment while grasping for the next, but a genuine sense of release of the darkness we were hosting. And then hope crept its way in to the crevices of a very broken heart. It would, however, take work to really let hope take up residence again in our hearts, our family, our home, our marriage, our life. Additionally, it brought ANOTHER trip to Canada for a life-changing couples retreat, committing to counselling in an unconventional way (hello, video chats), getting support from family and friends, being willing to be held accountable, and fighting for what we know to be true. The truth? Our family is a blessing, it is God-designed that we are together, our children deserve the healthiest and holistic us, and love was still very much there, even if it was locked behind some stubborn gate.

Is life perfect? Never. Has life gotten better? Absolutely. Does hope prevail? Yes, 100 times, yes. For me, I found hope when I wasn’t sure there was any left to be found. And I’m honoured that hope kept me.

J xo